The Decision

The Church's keyboard I used every week.

This is a tough decision I made. I have to consider a lot of thing before I finalise the decision. I've prayed for it. Asking God for wisdom and guidance. So that, I won't decide for my own benefits, but for others too.

Musics are so meaningful to me. I can't live without music. Musics bring me joy and happiness. And, musics are my very own way to serve God.

But, I've decided. I have to stop the musics. No more sounds blessing. No more musics playing. No more hands to set the sound waves into a beautiful melody. Because, I've decided to take a rest from serving and playing keyboard in Parish St. Theresa, Nilai Church.

Somehow, I'm thinking that I am selfish with this decision. Although it is in exam weeks, but (honestly) its not the matter. Last time, I still play keyboard even though its in exam weeks. So, exam is totally not the reasons of why I stop playing. (hope this is clear to everyone)

I played keyboard in Church so that I can bless people with this way. I'm gladly happy because  I can bring them sounds and musics. I wanted them to realise that how beautiful the musics are in praising and worshiping God. And, that are my purposes of serving as musician.

But after almost 6 months serving and playing musics every week, (in my own self-reflection), I feel that my musics is tasteless. Tasteless without blessings. Even, for me myself. I tried to pour in something new, but still, it is tasteless. I tried to get away with all that kind of feelings, but still, I can't lie and hide my own dilemma.

Then I reflect back my purpose of serving: to bring them blessings. But now, my wine is getting empty. When my wine is getting empty, I can't pour water to make it full (and even to make it half-full). Because, it won't taste the same, and it gonna be horribly tasteless. So, I decided to stop the wine from flowing, and wait another wine (a new wine) to be used.

However, I am confused. If I didn't play keyboard in church, who's gonna play for them? If they manage to get a new musician, then it will be okay. But, if they can't find one?

And, how if I care about them, but I don't care about my own heart of serving. I can continuously serve  in church as musician. But, I am serving them with tasteless kind of blessings. Am I doing the right thing? Can I have the endurance in serving with all that tasteless kind of feelings?

Maybe, I need to realise that I can't satisfy everyone in every decisions I made in my life. We need to sacrifice something to make it better.

So, I have decided to take rest, and I WILL COME AGAIN when my wine is ready to be served.

God Bless.